i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
