My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
