So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
