Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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