so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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