things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
