So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
