Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
