so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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