When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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