i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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