when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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