i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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