Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
