stop calling my apartment porn island.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
