Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
