just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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