Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
