He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
