if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
