YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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