her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
