You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
