Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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