I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
