And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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