I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Randomize
