took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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