I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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