Don't make out with my wife yet
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
