my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
