Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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