and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
