i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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