I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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