i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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