we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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