over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
