he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize