the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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