I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
