every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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