there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
