the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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