two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize