mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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