You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
