So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
