Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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