It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
