I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
