Sry I called you an 8
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
