I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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