You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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