I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
