omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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