Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
