You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
