Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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